Dave Masters aka webman@althits.com

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Webmasters: Have You Heard These?

1. Guess what! The CEO has decided we don't need web designers!

2. The interface has to be sophisticated enough to impress our hi-tech clients, but simple enough for the CEO to use.

3. 1) It should have all sorts of neat bells and wistles; 2) It should require no downloads or plugins; 3) It shouldn't use Java or Javascript (aren't they the same thing?); 4) It should work on every browser (ALL version of MSIE, NS, Motif, AOL, Opera)

4. I want it to look exactly the same on a Mac and Linux and Unix as it does on Windows...using both Internet Explorer and Netscape.

5. We really don't know what it should look like...just use your own judgment and if we don't like it, we'll tell you!

6. Here ... my 5-year-old had some comments about your page design.

7. HTML, DHTML, XML, Java, etc. etc. Everybody does it that way. We want our web site to be new and fresh, so use something else.

8. We'd like someone with twenty years of Java experience to design the company website.

9. The pages are loading too fast. We want people to think our site is really busy, so slow everything down

10. Can you put all these photos on it? Plus, make it open fast. I hate it when it takes forever to load.

11. Can you have this done tomorrow?

12. Could you just whip me up some kind of secure online form to interface the product database so our customers can make requests online and download our software and pay by credit card. I need it by 5 o'clock today.

13. Go ahead and build the site, we'll have the content for you in a month or two...

14. Our web pages need to comply to the standards 100%. Here is the MS Frontpage software you must use.

15. How long have you been doing this? -- Because my 11 year old can do make it look much better in a lot less time.

16. It must be viewable in MSIE... and Netscape... and Opera... and Lynx... and Konquer, and Mozilla, and iCab, and NetPositive, Arachne, Amaya, IBrowse, StarOffice browser, QNX Voyager, WebExplorer, ArcWeb, Cello, DR-WebSpyder, Pathworks Mosaic, and so on...

17. We want this site to look the same on a Pentium4 and a Commodore 64.

18. Oh, my ten year old just did something exactly like that...only better.

19. We have a few requirement changes. I'm sure they won't impact anything you've already finished.

20. My mom is a web designer too. She has a website she made on AOL's Easy Designer. All the icons twirl and flash. Can you make it like that?

21. It must be listed at the top of Google no matter what people search for.

22. Hey I saw this really cool website my kid showed me, can you make ours like that.

23. Hey, take a look at what I whipped together last night. Thought you might like some help.

24. I know we wanted this written in ASP. And I appreciate that fact you are almost done. But I think we are going to make the move to Java.

25. Could you move that gif a half-inch to the left, then make the font a bit bigger, and when you click on this button, I want this pop-up box to appear, with a blue background......

26. Can't you make it look the same in Netscape ...?

27. We want a state-of-the-art web presence. Make sure it displays exactly the same on Netscape 1.0 through 4.0

28. We want you to use this 'Flash' thing. Just cause it looks cool.

29. I want sound graphics and animation and our viewers to be able to have the page downloaded in 3 seconds if they are using a 28.8 modem

30. Say! I just did this one-day course in HTML. It was cool! How much do you guys make a year?

31. My seceratary built a website, why does it cost so much to have you do it?

32. We don't have a real description of our services. Can you make something up.

33. I want our new site to show up at the top of every web search.

34. I did some page updates using Front Page. I sent them to the server. I used these things called Hover buttons, they're cool. Oh, and our logo blinks now.

35. Yeah, if you could make it with a really long and unbelivably dull flash intro that no-one can skip, that'd be great.

36. We want an E-commerce site and we have budgeted $1500 to set it up....Why are you laughing??

37. Write a program which puts our website in first place in all search engines, and forces people to come to our site even if they click on another link, and make them stay on our site until they buy something. And if they don't, wipe out their harddisks.

38. Umm.. yeah - you were right. We've decided we don't want any Flash...

39. We don't have to pay you for it if we're not going to use it, right?

40. I want a website. How much does that cost?

41. We want our website to employ every single cutting-edge graphics technology AND be remarkably easy to use.

42. Make them reboot to get out of the website. That way they are there for a longer time.

43. Nobody uses HTML anymore. I suggest you get with the program and change everything to flash animations.

44. Make the page re-load every 10 seconds because we need the hits.

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If you have any suggestions for this area or questions about web site design, please feel free to email me at webman@althits.com

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